Episode Transcript: On Loneliness
The impacts of social isolation on a person’s mental, emotional and overall wellbeing can be vast. It can literally be life-changing to help a lonely elderly parent or loved one – or yourself – get out of the grips of feeling alone. To do this, we’ve brought you a transcript of our previously published episode.
In this LiveWell podcast, we talk to integratedliving social worker, Amelia Luke, about ways to recognise and manage loneliness, especially in times that can intensify the feelings. Find out what you can do to help yourself or an elderly loved one move from loneliness to connection and closeness.
You can also listen to the full episode, or view more podcasts and transcripts on our Live Well Podcast Page.
INTRODUCTION:
Hello and welcome to the Live Well podcast. I'm Liz Moore, a communications partner at integratedliving Australia. I'm speaking to you from the Sunshine Coast in Queensland, where the Gubbi Gubbi people have been the traditional custodians of the land for thousands of years. integratedliving Australia acknowledges Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples as the traditional owners and custodians of this country. We pay our respects to them, their cultures and customs, and to elders past, present and emerging.
Today, we are looking at the important topic of loneliness. What is now being referred to as ‘the pandemic of the older generation’, loneliness is becoming all too prevalent for many people. This is a two-part podcast series, with another episode to follow on dealing with loneliness through times of grief and loss.
Today, we are discussing ways to manage loneliness, and specifically in times of celebration. To do this, I'm very pleased to be joined by integratedliving Social Worker, Amelia Luke. Amelia works with our clients living in regional, rural and remote areas, where loneliness and isolation can be a big issue. Amelia is talking to us from the Lake Macquarie district in New South Wales where the Awabakal people are the traditional custodians and of the land and waters.
Welcome Amelia, and thank you for joining us.
Firstly, can you tell us what you enjoy about your job as a social worker with integratedliving, please?
AMELIA:
Being a Community Social Worker means you meet so many different people in their own homes and their comfort of their own homes compared to if you worked in a hospital specific to one ward working on one specific issue. I get to see everything which is a privilege and it's a professional challenge as well, constantly keeping up with people. But yeah, I think that's what I love about my job is how different every day. There’s certainly no monotony.
LIZ:
Yes, it's important. And what drew you to social work initially?
AMELIA:
What drew me initially was I witnessed an elder abuse incident when I was probably about 16 or 17, and was really blown away by how complex it was as an issue. I was really curious to know who intervened in that situation. And so that's what kind of got me started thinking about it. Like who, who would do this, and that's when I kind of explored social work. And then, you know, once you hear the word social work, it just keeps coming up. So by the time I got to choosing what career path I wanted, I was pretty set on social work, and no regrets.
LIZ:
What have you learnt most, lots of things I realise, but particularly things that stand out for you, since you began your career?
AMELIA:
Um, I think I've learned to be very patient. I think in social work you're constantly facing people with different challenges and you learn that it's at the person's own pace. So you learn to be very patient and to sit with people until they're ready to take action. And that does take a lot of patience, but it's so, so important as well.
LIZ:
Wow, that is a true virtue to be able to do that, yeah. Wonderful. And what have you learned specifically from our clients being largely older Australians living in rural, regional and remote areas of Australia?
AMELIA:
Yes, I’ve definitely been blown away by the resilience that's required to live in the regional and remote areas. That it's a lot harder. There's a lot less resources available. You’ve got to kind of put your thinking cap on a lot to try and go through challenges that probably would be a lot easier to face if you had those resources of metro areas do have. But yeah, I get blown away by the resilience of people. They just keep pushing on. It's amazing.
LIZ:
And do you notice anything about the ones who've always lived in remote areas? Like do you think that they learn so much as a child that they become so hardy to it?
AMELIA:
I think you're right, because there's definitely people who have moved from metro to regional and they're kind of blown away like I am by how limited the resources are. Whereas those who have grown up with it are very aware of those challenges.
LIZ:
Interesting. What does Living regionally mean to you, and have you always lived regionally?
AMELIA:
I haven't. I grew up in Western Sydney. That's where I spent most of my childhood, so it's very busy, very populated and we moved to a regional area probably about five years ago, maybe more. And the biggest change for me was the people. The community is a lot stronger, I guess. It’s not that there's more of a community, but everyone's looking out for each other here. It's the first thing we noticed is how people interact with each other so much friendliness in random situations with strangers. So it's even though there's challenges living regionally, it also feels like a stronger community from my perspective.
LIZ:
I experience the same. And looking at the issue of loneliness today, and especially how to cope during those special times of the year that may be associated with lost loved ones or friends, times such as Valentine's Day or anniversaries, Christmas, Easter or birthdays, can you tell me a bit about the kinds of loneliness that you see on a regular basis?
AMELIA:
Loneliness or social isolation, we see a lot of in aged care. They call it the new pandemic of their older generation because it is facing so many people. I think one of the biggest things we notice is that everyone feels like they're alone in it. You feel alone in your loneliness, you think you're the only person going through it. But what we're seeing is So many people are being faced with it and a lot of people don't recognise it because there might be surrounded by so many people, but The reality of loneliness is that it's got more to do with the quality of the connection of the people around you, so not how many people you have around you, but how connected you feel to those people. Do you feel like they will support you? So you see people with lots of people around them feeling lonely, and then there’s lots of people who do actually live alone, feeling lonely.
LIZ:
Yeah, that's an interesting point of difference that you can be both, despite thinking that you've got people everywhere, I can't possibly be lonely. You actually can be lonely.
AMELIA:
Absolutely.
LIZ:
And how do you identify loneliness when people especially you know, such as the people that have lots of people around them that could think they couldn't possibly be lonely? So those that don't realise that they are, that what they're experiencing is indeed loneliness.
AMELIA:
Again, it comes back to how, how connected do people feel? So getting people to think about in tough times, do you have someone you can call on? Do you get out of the house frequently? Just getting yourself to think about those questions can then start to think: OK, well, maybe I am a bit lonely. I am a little bit lacking in connection with people. But it's something that people have to identify themselves. It's not something you can tell someone: you're lonely. It's something we need to identify and acknowledge ourselves.
LIZ:
What have you noticed about loneliness and the grief that comes with it around those times that are formally or once were, you know, times of great celebration for people?
AMELIA:
It can really put a spotlight on your loneliness those big calendar event days, because you can get through your everyday life, sometimes kind of putting it on the backburner, trying not to think about it. But if you've got days like Valentine's Day coming up, it can really put a spotlight on it, make it very hard for you to see anything but other couples around you, or the fact that maybe on Christmas Day, you don't have a big table full of friends and family around you. It can be very hard to avoid.
I think Christmas we can talk about because we've just had it come by. That one, you have so many like a whole month of December or maybe even November of laid up on TV where you just cannot avoid those ads and it really pushes that idea of it such a jolly time. But if you've just lost someone or you don't have people around you to celebrate Christmas, it can be really, really difficult to think about anything else cos it's just in your face all the time. So yeah, it just really puts a spotlight on it.
LIZ:
Can you suggest some useful tools and strategies for coping when loneliness becomes more intense for someone?
AMELIA:
So the tips we have for around those days, like we said Christmas and that, we do really recommend you plan for those days prepare in advance. It's not something that's going to surprise you. I'm sure you're probably thinking of it in advance. If it's a birthday, if it's Christmas, it's going to be in your mind. So rather than putting your head in the sand and thinking I can't or don't want to think about that day. It's going to come, and so you're better off preparing for it.
Whether it's speaking to, if you've got some supportive friends and family around you, planning something with them. If it's an anniversary, you might want to plan a little candle ceremony or something to do together. Go visit a graveyard, but planning and preparing is one of the best things you can do because you're then taking control of that day and you're deciding how it's gonna unfold as best as you can.
LIZ:
What happens if you don’t plan for it?
AMELIA:
Then you’re kind of vulnerable to other people telling you how you should be doing their day. So it's a little bit easier if you've planned already. You can take control of that and decide what's going to be meaningful to you. How can you make the most of the day? And if you've lost someone, and it's an anniversary, how can you make that meaningful and special rather than it being a day that maybe other people might take control of?
LIZ:
Have you got any stories of hope with clients that have learned to deal with loneliness in healthy ways?
AMELIA:
We talk about this often myself and my clients about how to deal with loneliness, and there's lots of tips. We've got support groups out there, and social groups. There's one client where one of the things that we talked about was connecting with people over phone. We have technology at hand. How can we use that, don't have to do big things. It can be a little thing and something that she implemented was she sits down every morning with a cup of tea. And so just adding into that routine, she added in picking up her phone and calling someone. And it could be anyone doesn't have to be a long, deep and meaningful call. It was just connecting with someone every morning in the difference she felt within herself, knowing that sometimes she made someone else's day and they thought, well, I haven't heard from someone in a while. Thanks for calling me. But she and herself just felt like she started her day with connecting with people, which is really important if you live by yourself because you go to bed at night by yourself. Waking up, it can really exacerbate that loneliness so starting your day by connecting with someone. Yeah, that I think that's always a really beautiful story.
LIZ:
Yes, and how long has she been doing that now?
AMELIA:
When I finished up with her, it was about two months she'd been doing that, and then she didn't feel like she needed counselling going forward as well. So I haven't spoken to her since about that. That was, yeah, where she was at.
LIZ:
Two months is a long time. You really form a habit after two months. If you're doing something daily. That's great. What are some of the most common unhealthy ways of coping with loneliness?
AMELIA:
I would say the most unhealthy way would probably be withdrawing. So if you feel like you're alone in your loneliness, you might be inclined to step away from people and withdraw, and that's unfortunately only going to make things worse, obviously. And with loneliness comes mental health issues so the worst thing you could do would be to isolate yourself from your support system and to think you're alone in that.
LIZ:
Do you have any suggestions on how to turn this around? These patterns around this pattern of withdrawing for those who are stuck in in it?
AMELIA:
I would just say start small, do some small steps towards reconnecting with people, especially if you have for isolate for a long time and you have withdrawn then obviously going out and doing everything, signing up to every social group is going to be too much. It'll be overwhelming. So I would say just start small, acknowledge that it's hard to make friends and to put yourself out there and just start small. Maybe sign up to a social group that's in line with your interests. So if there's a gardening group that gets together In your local area, maybe sign up for that. You're going to meet people who have got a Kind of common interest already so that's helpful. It's a little bit less scary and just take it from there, just do small steps, take it easy on yourself.
LIZ:
Any helpful observations and advice for family members of loved ones who are struggling with loneliness and perhaps these loved ones don't realise it or they don't know what to do about it.
AMELIA:
Yeah, I think if you can just be there for them, be that support person that they need so reinforcing that message that you are there for them. If this person has withdrawn, they're unlikely to jump at your first invitation to come out. So just keep reinforcing that you are there for them. Keep inviting them out, maybe drop by, do phone calls and eventually you might find that personable come around. But at the end of the day it's their decision and you can't force a person to come out. But it's, yeah, just reinforcing that message that you do care about them is really important.
LIZ:
So 10 times they might say no, but just keep asking. And then the 11th time they may very well say yes. You just have is that is that the message?
AMELIA:
Yes, exactly. Yeah. Because initially they might think, oh, they don't actually want top hang out with me, but if you keep saying to them, ‘hey, let's spend some time together’. ‘Let's go for a walk together. Come to my house for a cup of tea.’ They're going to get this idea that actually you do care about them and it's going to change the way they think in their mind as well.
LIZ:
Yes, beautiful. And any suggestions for how to help people who are overwhelmed by the idea of facing this difficult feeling or emotion of loneliness?
AMELIA:
Do you mean the people supporting them or the person who's feeling it?
LIZ:
Both really, if possible.
AMELIA:
I think if you're the person, you know who's grieving or feeling lonely, it can feel really overwhelming. So I think if you can just try and focus on what's going to feel good for you. So if you've got these big events coming up like Valentine's Day or Christmas Day, just being really mindful of you're in control of your own decisions here, not anyone else. And just thinking about what's going to be meaningful for you and planning, like we talked about. Being prepared for those events and if you feel comfortable communicating it to your friends and family as well, so they can be on board with whatever your plan is. But I think, yeah, just being prepared and taking control is really important and really empowering as well.
LIZ:
And what about for the support people? Any suggestions for how they can help people who are in overwhelm around loneliness?
AMELIA:
Yeah, when we're talking loneliness, I think what we were saying before about just being there for them in a way that's going to be helpful for them. And if you can ask them, ‘what can I do that would be helpful for you?’. But yeah, just being there for them, staying connected with them, phone calls are great. That's a really way to good way to support them. And if it's someone who's grieving, then I think one of the most important things we can do is actually to talk about the grief. Don't make it the elephant in the room. That's really hard for the person who's grieving, but to name it and to talk about it and talk about the loved one. Remember the good times. It's so much easier for the person or from what I've heard. My clients have said it's so much easier if they can talk about it. But if they can't, then those days are really, really difficult.
LIZ:
And how can people become more comfortable with talking about grief, including this in the conversation, when they might find it hard to talk about those subjects without going into grief themselves? How can they work with that?
AMELIA:
I think you can acknowledge that it's uncomfortable and you're more than likely to find that the other person might say the same thing. If you can acknowledge that, name that and say, ‘oh, I don't know if you feel comfortable talking about it, but I was just thinking about last time when we here on Christmas Day and Grandpa was doing this’ and just see if people are comfortable with that. chances are everyone will feel more comfortable about it being spoken, than it being not spoken, because it does become a bit of an elephant in the room in the end, if you don't speak about it.
LIZ:
So something really strong to take away is the idea of if you are experiencing loneliness is to make that call each morning, start your day with by connecting with others. Anything else you'd like to leave our listeners with?
AMELIA:
I think it reach out to your local community neighbourhood centre, see what's going on in your area, in your community, because that's going to make you feel really good. You don't have to go out and do big things to be connected. You might find around the corner there's an amazing social group happening. So go check out your neighbourhood centre, see what's going on. Reach out to integratedliving, see what's happening in that area with the Wellness groups happening. Use technology that's available to you, we’ve got FaceTime so we can connect face-to-face with people without being in the same room. And again, it's about the quality of that connection. It's not about how many you do or how many people there are. So yeah, just see what's around you, what's available to you and make the most of it.
LIZ:
Wonderful. Thank you so much for your time today. It's been really illuminating and very helpful. I really appreciate it.
CONCLUSION:
Thank you for listening to our Live Well podcast on ways to deal with loneliness. Stay tuned for our next episode looking specifically at the loneliness and grief that comes from losing a loved one. We also have a blog article about loneliness, and ways to help elderly loved ones through it, that you can read at www.integratedliving.org.au. If you have another topic you would like us to cover, please let us know in the comments below. To find out more about integratedliving and the services we offer, visit www.integratedliving.org.au or phone 1300 782 896. Thank you, and bye for now.